


it has to burn all the time

by starkmccall



Category: Anne with an E (TV)
Genre: F/M, Mutual Pining, Season/Series 03 Spoilers, teenagers being repressed dumbasses 1800s edition
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-28
Updated: 2019-10-28
Packaged: 2021-01-05 14:58:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21210443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starkmccall/pseuds/starkmccall
Summary: “If this is how dramatic you get when you like someone.” Diana says, lying back so the top of her head is pressed to the back of Anne’s shoulder, her hair falling in Anne’s face slightly. “It’s a good thing this is your first crush. We likely wouldn’t have survived otherwise.” Anne scoffs, but she can’t disagree. The strength of her feelings - the things they force her to say and do - terrify her. She doesn’t understand how anyone could walk around feeling this way continuously and live their life normally.Gilbert and Winifred have a definitive talk about their feelings. Anne tries to deal with her own.





	it has to burn all the time

**Author's Note:**

> apparently i'm legally only allowed to be invested in media which features a boy with dark curly hair finding the love of his life at an unrealistically young age. weird. anyway here is This i guess watch it get absolutely overturned in the next ep when gilbert and winnie elope to france and then anne enters a love triangle with diana and jerry. 
> 
> also i should point out that this is lowkey canon divergent from 3.06 - i didn’t know how to touch on the billy/josie plot, so just imagine this is a few weeks since then n everyone has stopped being Clowns and josie punted billy off the cliff and he was never seen again. thank you.  
title from beautiful dress by marlon williams who genuinely has one of the most beautiful voices i've ever heard. google him singing tahu potiki if you want to have a fun Weep.

“I can’t court you.”

This sentence is what comes out of Gilbert’s mouth, seemingly entirely of its own accord, instead of his typical invitation for tea. Winnie’s mouth falls slightly open in surprise, but she doesn’t seem hurt, just shocked. Gilbert rubs a hand across his face, feeling like a moron. “I mean - I’m sorry, Winnie, I care for you a great deal, and I don’t know what you expected from me, but I can’t give you - courtship, or a relationship. I’m sorry.”

Winnie - well, Winnie lets out a delighted giggle, and a light sigh of relief, and Gilbert may have just turned her down, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel the tiniest bit insulted. She must notice this, because her facial features morph into a more solemn expression, and she clutches her hands together. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to laugh at you at all, but I was actually intending to tell you the same thing at tea today.” She sits down on the couch, looking at him expectantly, and he joins her. “I cannot court you either.”

“Oh.” He says, almost letting out a similar sigh of relief to the one she gave. He was quite worried, because regardless of anything else he does _ like _Winnie. He just cannot imagine himself ever feeling anything for her beyond that, and hoped that they could remain friends in spite of everything. “Do you - is there any reason why?”

“Is there any for you?” She shoots back, but it’s fond and familiar. His heart clenches at her question, not because of her, but because it reminds him of Anne. Anne, who is beautiful, and brave, and has the biggest heart and the greatest mind of anyone he knows. Anne, who almost certainly hates him again.

He coughs awkwardly, then pulls at a loose thread on the seam of his trouser leg. “There’s - someone else. Another girl, who I think - I know - I love. I don’t know how she feels about me, but regardless, it would have been unfair to you to pretend I had any feelings otherwise.”

“It’s Anne.” She doesn’t even attempt to phrase it as a question, and he nods, and it feels good to stop lying, to stop acting as if he isn’t entirely in love with her. “You may be intelligent in some fields, Gilbert, but when it comes to romance you are possibly the _ stupidest _person I have ever met.”

Gilbert frowns at her. “What - what do you mean?”

Winnie looks two seconds from smacking him over the head. “Did you not see her face when she saw us arm-in-arm? I wanted to comfort her, but I knew that would likely only make things worse. If I had a girl look at me like that-” She stops abruptly. The colour drains from her face, leaving her normally rosy complexion ashen. “I mean - well - ah. That’s why - that’s why I couldn’t court you.”

Gilbert is, to put it lightly, overwhelmingly confused. “Because - you want a girl to look at you. Because - oh.” Oh. “Well - okay.”

“Okay?” Winnie raises both of her manicured brows at him. “There are people walking in the street outside who would quite willingly see me hanged for that kind of revelation, and all you want to say is ‘okay’?”

“Would you rather I be angry?”

“Of course not!” Gilbert senses that her indignation in this moment is simply the result of the build-up of nervous energy with nowhere to go, and he’s willing to let her take it out on him however she wishes. “You’re just - the first person I’ve ever told about this, that’s all. I wasn’t entirely sure what to expect. But I needed you to know, because what I was doing to you wasn’t right. I said yes to your initial invitation because you were young enough that the idea of anything possibly coming between us seemed entirely unrealistic, but then we became - friends, sort of. And you know how people are - it’s impossible for a man and a woman to be in each others company for more than five minutes before someone asks what they should bring to the wedding. So I let it go on, because I figured - it was a good disguise. People would talk, but neither you nor I would ever actually do anything about it, and I get to shed any potential rumours, or unwanted suitors, or threats of spinsterhood for the next while. I wanted you to meet my parents because I know you still dream of medical school, and my father wasn’t lying about his connections - but it was never anything more than that.”

Gilbert’s heart breaks - not for himself, but for her. Trapped in an impossible circumstance, with impossible pressures and expectations placed upon her. “So what will you do now?”

“I’m not sure.” She admits openly. “But I know now - if this has taught me anything, it’s that I cannot live a lie. I could never court or marry a man, not in any genuine sense. I don’t know what will happen to me because of that, but that is a storm I have chosen to weather.” Her expression is simultaneously scared and determined, a look he has never seen on her face before. “As for you - if you don’t propose to that girl the second you return home, I swear I will make your life a living hell until you do.”

He lets out a weak laugh. “I believe she would reject me before I could even get the words out. She seems - mad at me, because of you.”

“Yes Gilbert.” Winnie’s voice becomes very slow, as if she is explaining something to a young child. “That’s known to most people with functioning brains as _jealousy_.”

“Do you really think she was-” Winnie doesn’t even bother to deign that with an answer, and simply glares at him. “Even if she _ was, _that doesn’t help the fact that I can no longer get within five metres of her without fearing for my life.”

“You just need to make it abundantly clear that nothing has ever happened, nor will ever happen, between us. I could speak to her, if you like?”

“Do you think that’d be wise?”

“Well, I _ want _ to speak to her, mostly. She seems like an entirely fascinating girl, even if she does likely curse my existence every night before she goes to sleep.”

“I think you two would get on well.” Gilbert says, and means it. He isn’t so oblivious that he didn’t realise that in his desperation to move on from Anne, he attached himself to the first person he could find most similar to her in personality. Bash had made many pointed comments about it before, both directly and indirectly. “You could both come to dinner at Bash’s and my house. If she’s dissuaded by the thought of having to spend time with me, she will certainly be won over by the promise of seeing Bash and Delly.”

She grins at him, beatific, and he finds himself yet again grateful that they will continue to be friends. “It’s a plan then.”

The clock chimes, and Gilbert is reminded of the fact that he is at his internship, and he has work to do, and Dr. Ward will likely be seeing a patient soon, even though he is currently fast asleep in his room. Before he stands to go, however, he takes Winnie’s hand, and she raises her eyebrows at him yet again. “Thank you for telling me the truth. I can’t imagine - the strength, the courage that must have taken. I’m glad that you see me as someone you trust.”

“Oh, Gilbert.” She says in a teasing tone, but she also squeezes his hand tightly, and he can see the relief in her eyes. “Don’t go getting all sappy on me now. Whatever would Anne think?” He laughs, and they stand. Winnie brushes down her skirt, and nods at him, and then walks to her desk briskly. And Gilbert - Gilbert feels like a colossal weight has just been lifted off of him, off of them both.

***

“I cannot _ believe _ he asked me to have dinner with him and Miss Rose.” Anne fumes to Diana, pacing back and forth in Diana’s bedroom. “I mean really, what possible reason could he have to do such a thing? Have we all misjudged him, and he’s actually an awful bully, lying in wait to _ torture _his innocent victims? I cannot believe it! I cannot believe him!”

“Perhaps he just wants to spend time with you?” Diana says tentatively, but she shuts down once Anne turns her glare upon her. “And despite all of your rage, you did still say yes.”

“Well, of course.” Anne replies, miffed. “I had no reason to say no, and it would be rude to anyway. And besides, anyone who would willingly give up an opportunity to see the sweetest baby in the world is probably worthy of a criminal offence.”

“And that’s all.” Diana raises an eyebrow. “That’s the only reason you said yes?”

Anne collapses face-first onto her bed, turning her head to the side after a moment so she can breathe. “There may be a slight - slight - part of me that does want to spend time with him. But that doesn’t mean I wish to be in the presence of him interacting with an incredibly beautiful woman who he is likely betrothed to by now.”

“If this is how dramatic you get when you like someone.” Diana says, lying back so the top of her head is pressed to the back of Anne’s shoulder, her hair falling in Anne’s face slightly. “It’s a good thing this is your first crush. We likely wouldn’t have survived otherwise.” Anne scoffs, but she can’t disagree. The strength of her feelings - the things they force her to say and do - terrify her. She doesn’t understand how _ anyone _could walk around feeling this way continuously and live their life normally. 

“Why couldn’t I just have fallen in love with Charlie Sloane?” She bemoans, as there are still some dramatics left in her. “Life would be so much easier.”

“If you fell in love with Charlie Sloane, you wouldn’t be you at all.” Diana replies matter-of-factly. “You certainly wouldn’t be the Anne that I, or anyone else, knows and loves. You may hate how you feel for Gilbert, but you can’t deny how right it seems.”

“He clearly can.” Anne mutters darkly, attempting to mask her sadness in anger. She knows it won’t work - Diana knows her far too well for that - but she’s also willing to let Anne pretend she’s gotten away with it. 

Diana reaches her arm up to poke Anne in the shoulder. “Why don’t you borrow a dress from me? He’ll be so astounded by you that he’ll forget Miss Rose’s name completely.” 

“Won’t it seem suspicious? That I’m dressing up so nicely for such a casual meal?”

“Just say you felt like dressing up.” Diana replies, already beginning to stand to search through her closet, presumably. “Say you were inspired by a heroine of your current favourite book, or something.”

“Oh Diana.” Anne rolls so she is looking at her bosom friend directly. “No matter how confusing my feelings are for Gilbert, I am glad that my love for you will always be steadfast and true.” Diana smiles at her softly, and for the next while, they’re just two girls, trying on dresses and gossiping about boys.

***  
Dinner is predictably awkward at first, but the presence of Bash and Delly does wonders to break the tension. They make light conversation, Anne talking about the current state of the farm, and Matthew and Marilla, and her ever-continuing search for her roots. She’s sat next to Gilbert and across from Bash, which strikes her as odd, because surely Winifred and Gilbert would want to sit next to each other. Though maybe they prefer to sit across from each other, so as to look into each others eyes romantically, the way Anne foolishly believed Gilbert looked at her. She bitterly shovels more potato into her mouth, hoping that her discomfort isn’t as abundantly clear as it feels.

“I love your dress, Anne.” Winifred says, suddenly, and then pointedly looks at Gilbert. “Doesn’t she look beautiful, Gilbert?”

Anne feels her face flush - curse her pale complexion! - but surprisingly, when she turns to Gilbert, he has the same ruddy cheeks. “Yes, ah, she does - you do - look beautiful, Anne.”

“Thank you.” She offers back, and he smiles at her shyly, and for a moment it’s as if they’re back in the classroom, hand in hand. Bash coughs, somewhat deliberately, and the moment shatters like a glass to the floor. Gilbert and Bash share a look, and then Gilbert and Winifred, and then Bash and Winifred, and Anne feels rather as if she’s missing out on an important joke, one aimed directly at her. Then, before she can stop herself: “I don’t suppose many would find it appropriate to compliment another woman in front of the one you are courting, however.”

Gilbert turns back to her with an alarmed expression, but it’s Winifred’s reaction that surprises her the most: she bursts into laughter. Bash looks similarly amused; Delphine swivels her eyes between them all like she can’t decide who she’s most entertained by. Winifred’s laughter dies when she spots Anne’s solemn face, however, but she still has a smile on her face and in her eyes when she says: “Anne, I can promise you that Gilbert and I are not courting, nor will we ever be.”

Oh. “Oh.” Anne replies, faintly, turning back to Gilbert and not quite able to take her eyes off him. He seems to feel the same way towards her. “I just thought - with her parents-”

“Many people thought.” Gilbert says softly, and his eyes look almost - sad. “Her parents included. But no, Winnie’s right - we’re just friends. We’ll only ever just be friends.” Anne nods back slowly, as she doesn’t quite trust her mouth to say something that isn’t entirely mortifying right now.

“Among other things, many would likely label me a cradle-snatcher.” Winifred says, gently popping the bubble of tension that’s risen between Anne and Gilbert. “It is certainly a priority of mine to ensure that whoever I fall in love with is, at the very least, not still attending school.”

Gilbert insists that he’s almost done with that anyway, but it’s not heated, and Bash makes another joke, and the conversation moves on easily from there. It seems to flow much more effortlessly after that particular revelation as well; Anne relaxes, lets her guard down, and ends up having a passionate conversation about literature when Winifred makes a reference to Jane Eyre, which quickly turns to them discussing the wonder of the Brontë sisters, and Jane Austen, and Winifred offering her a list of books written by other female authors she loves. Bash has since retired to bed early, and has put Delphine to sleep too, so theoretically Anne’s reasons for staying have gone, but. But. Winifred is kind, and Gilbert’s eyes are warm, and their knees are pressed together just the slightest bit, and she could not think of a single reason that she would want to leave. Unfortunately, she does have to leave; she knows Marilla will worry if she is home even a minute after she promised she would be. Gilbert insists he will walk her home, and Winifred gives her a hug and a friendly smile before she leaves. Anne knows she’s staying in the Blythe-LaCroix household for the night, and at first that had made her heart ache - the belief that Gilbert was sharing a home with the woman he was courting, even if just for a night. Now, funnily enough, it doesn’t bother her at all.

“She truly is lovely.” Anne says, when she and Gilbert are halfway through their journey to Green Gables. “She’s like a princess out of one of my stories.” Privately, Anne thinks, if Winifred was her age, and Anne herself wasn’t so unfortunately overwhelmed already with her feelings towards Gilbert, she wouldn’t mind being the knight to Winifred’s princess. Those kinds of feelings towards women are ones she has learned to acknowledge and accept since her first visit to Aunt Jo’s, and though she hasn’t spoken aloud of them to anyone but Cole and Diana, they hold a safe and cherished part of her heart.

“She is.” Gilbert agrees, though he doesn’t indicate to which part he’s agreeing with. “I like her a great deal. But again, me and her, that’s not - it won’t ever be like that.”

“I know.” Anne replies, and her fingers brush Gilbert’s in a way which makes her stomach flip. “I know that now. I’m sorry for - yelling at you, sort of, at the fair. I shouldn’t have presumed.”

“Like I said before,” Gilbert sighs. “Everyone does.”

Anne smiles sympathetically at him. “Out of everyone, I should understand. If Rachel Lynde saw the way I behave with Jerry or Cole, she would likely berate Marilla into sending me to a convent to make up for such shameless behaviour.”

Gilbert turns to look at her in surprise, his eyebrows wrinkled in the way they are often wont to do these days. “But you don’t - you aren’t-”

“Jerry is my brother.” Anne says simply, “Not by blood, but my brother all the same. And Cole - there could never be anything romantic there. Though technically we are engaged.” Gilbert somehow looks even more alarmed by that announcement, and Anne tries not to read too deeply into the melee of expressions making their way across his face. “Not like - not really. We just made a promise to each other - if we didn’t find anyone we wished to marry by a certain point, we would marry each other. It wouldn’t be a true marriage in the traditional sense, but it means that we at least get to be with someone we love and cherish deeply, even if it isn’t in the expected way.”

“That’s -” words seem to be failing Gilbert currently. “Do you really believe that you won’t ever find someone you genuinely wish to marry?”

“Well,” Anne says, as casually as she can despite the furious beat of drums which seem to have taken residence in her chest. “I may have changed my mind since we first made that promise. Some things in my life have - developed - since then.” Before she can second-guess herself, she tentatively interlocks her fingers with Gilbert’s, loose enough that if it goes wrong she can pretend to him, and more importantly to herself, that she never actually intended to. Fortunately, he tightens their grasp instead, slowly rubbing his thumb across Anne’s in a gesture so soothing she feels she could cry. It’s hard to tell in the dim light that the moon offers, but she could swear that Gilbert’s cheeks have coloured.

“That’s - that’s good.” He responds, in a similarly forcefully casual tone. “As enjoyable as it would be to be married to Cole, you owe it to yourself to try and find love. Real, true love. You deserve that. That’s the least of what you deserve, really.” Anne can’t quite look at him after that, but when she turns to face straight ahead she realises they’ve somehow already arrived at her home.

“So do you.” She says, suddenly, not quite willing to say goodnight to him yet. “You deserve everything you want.”

“I think I want too much.” Gilbert’s voice is quiet, and he sounds as if he genuinely thinks he’s done something wrong.

“You do realise who you’re talking to, don’t you? All I’ve ever done is wish for things - a better life, a better home, a better family, friends. Love. Happiness.”

“And you’ve gained all of those things.”

“Not all of them.” Anne’s feet feel frozen to the ground, and her eyes locked on Gilbert’s. “Not quite.”

“Well,” She can almost see the moment where he seems to make a decision, and he switches his grip on her hand so he can pull hers up to his mouth and place a lingering kiss on her knuckles. Anne’s heart has turned from doing a drum solo to performing an entire concerto. “We’ll have to fix that.”

“Yes.” She nods rather confidently, for how incredibly nervous she feels. “We will.”

Gilbert drops her hand, and in spite of everything, he looks rather nervous too. “Goodnight, Anne.”

Before she can think twice, she’s stood on her tip-toes and pressed a rather quick kiss to his cheek. “Goodnight, Gilbert.” She doesn’t dare look to see his reaction, and instead quickly turns on her heel and runs all the way to her front door. It is only once she’s there that she decides to turn around, and as if he senses it he turns to look at her too, and though his face is mostly disguised by distance and darkness she can still see the clear joy in his expression. She smiles, so widely it feels like it could split her cheeks, and then finally heads inside, turning her expression carefully neutral so as to not alert Marilla to suspect anything.

Of course, as complicated as it felt before, it is much more complicated now. They’ll have to have conversations about things such as feelings and courtship and whatever else this - whatever it is - may entail, and it’s terrifying, and wonderful. Before, it was complicated, but it also felt hopeless - as if there would be no solution to this problem. Now, it’s complicated in the most delightful way - it won’t be easy, but it’s right. Anne knows it, in her mind, and in her heart, and deep in her bones. She loves a boy, and he - well, she doesn’t know precisely how he feels, but she has reason to believe that he at least could be open to loving her, at some point in the future. Their future together.

For the first time in a while, certainly since Mary died, everything feels right. At least for the moment. Anne plans to cherish it while she can.

**Author's Note:**

> my only talent as a writer is making every character i care about Not Heterosexual. also if anyone has the energy and strength to write a 30k fic where winnie and miss stacy meet and fall in love and move in together and everyone in avonlea is like Wow Such A Shame Those Two Never Found Love and they're just like ah yes......how tragic it is that neither of us have a man......truly awful......i will owe my first born for real
> 
> also upon rereading it to make sure there were no glaring mistakes i realised that the gilbert/winnie scene is lowkey like the steve/robin coming out scene in st3 so it's nice to know that i literally cannot do anything that is not influenced by that show fdgjndfjgdfj. speaking of i'm on twitter @biwheeelers if y'all want to see me be at my most embarassing. gn x


End file.
